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“No, that’s nothing; no need to worry about that.” Five seconds and a fear that had stayed with me for years, vanishes. Just like that. I am already lifting myself out of the chair when he says: “You are trying to love this, aren’t you.” On ‘this’ he spreads his arms, and I think I see a twinkle in his eyes.
Now fear has left me, my system is more open to really looking at this doctor, this doctor with the practice deep in the woods. And he looks funny. Early fifties, grey hair, glasses, white coat, of course, jeans, sneakers – also white, with three white stripes, barely noticeable. Actually, he looks a bit like Dustin Hoffman.
“So, what I notice is that there is a certain resistance in your system, making it hard for you to be fully open to this moment. Is that right?” He is leaning backwards. He is enjoying this more than the investigation of some small bumbs on my head, a few seconds ago.
“Listen.” Bird sounds.
“Feel,” he says, striking his cheek and pointing his head in my direction, encouraging me to do the same. I feel a bit embarrassed.
“What is it that prevents you from being fully open to this moment? This is all we have. Now – this moment – isn’t it?” Without waiting for me to answer he grabs a paper and a pen and gives them to me.
“I will ask ‘it’, and also for you to come up with something that will support you in becoming fully available.” He puts his hands behind his head, letting it rest in them. “Please write down...”
His breathing becomes louder. He closes his eyes, opens his mouth, but nothing comes, not yet. A few seconds later: “Love and happiness are what the world will give to me...” He is breathing loudly through his nose and takes a little pause, “…I am part of all that is happening, every moment. What could please me more than to receive love in the deepest of my being. Everything is so easy, and the reason why is not important.” He stops. Opens his eyes and meets mine. I put down my pen. Unexpectedly, his mouth issues more words. “What a pleasure it will be to allow love to ground me, to form the basis of my being.”
He asks me to repeat what he has just said. I do. Quite fast, feeling a bit strange.
“Again please.” I do. Then: “Could you do it one more time, but take your time for the words to blossom in you.” In the slowness of repeating I feel the words finding their way into my body.
“I know this is quite unusual. You go to a doctor, and well...” He lifts his arms and opens his hands. “For thirty years I have been a doctor: what most doctors do does not help one bit to make you become more fully alive.” He gets out of his chair and walks a bit. His office is quite big. “Are you okay with this?”
I am. + more
tagged: body spaciousness consciousness knowing spirituality love
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![]() Photo: André Platteel
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Although he had stood in front of the mirror probably a million times over the past decades, he had never before seen the little boy inside his heart. It happened by coincidence: he was walking in a shopping street, passed a window and suddenly clearly saw something inside him. At first he thought it was his reflection and that of something else coming together in the window. But the moment he saw the image he also became conscious: he felt the boy inside his heart.
Although he felt the little boy, he didn’t feel he was discovering something he had known was there all his life, something that was suddenly and finally revealed to him. He didn’t know the little boy; had never seen him before. He was not shocked to see him inside him; it just felt as if his world had become utterly new, in less time than time can measure.
He knew it by his breath.
He thought of his breath as a fresh meadow in Spring, blossoming grass telling the animals it’s time to come home again.
It was as if his heart had opened and he himself had just walked in.
He knew how it felt when his heart opened slowly, like a flower. He had known love. But inside his heart now was not a lover but a little boy. And his heart was opening not because he wanted to give it to a lover: there was someone in his heart already.
He moved closer to the window and saw how the little boy had found a small but perfect space inside his heart. The little boy was part of its flesh and blood. It felt so completely strange and so natural. He knew things were about to change for him. Everything always changes, so why not his heart, why not his breath?
He had walked away from the window; people had passed him, one of them almost bumping into him, he had closed his jacket; he had crossed his arms high, protecting the area around his heart. He didn’t want anybody else to see the little boy he, himself, had only just discovered. What he had found was too precious to show to anyone else at this stage.
When he arrived home he undressed and walked to the mirror. He stared at himself, met his naked reflection and saw two people. He had never before experienced his nakedness from within.
tagged: otherness image consciousness fear Spring flower blood change gravity darkness brightness heart knowing earth irony experience
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![]() Photo: Annemarieke van Drimmelen
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I’m sitting outside Olive, a great bagel-cum- coffee shop in the heart of SoHo. It’s early and most of the shops are still closed. Some street artists are unpacking paintings and drawings for sale. Trucks are unloading stuff. Morning is awakening, although the sun is still hidden behind typical New York buildings: huge warehouses with beautiful exterior stairway constructions. Dozens of people are passing me by and a child-like surprise hits me at noticing how different all of their faces are and how, at the same time, none of these faces seem to be so unknown that they shock me. It is as if I already know these people I’ve never met.
Some of the people pass me in a hurry; some of them give the impression of still being asleep; others are vibrant and have intense discussions through small microphones hanging around their necks. All these people are going somewhere; all of them have their unique destinations; all of them are ‘on the move’.
I wonder: What is it that drives us? What do we long for? What is it we search for in a world that seems to be violent, restless and insecure? I long for peace of mind; I would like to be wholehearted with the people I’m with and about the things I do; I would like to enjoy every minute of the life that I live. I haven’t met many people who don’t want to enjoy their lives, so I imagine that what we long for is to live a life of joy.
Joy can be found in many things. I have found joy in lovers, books, clothing, eating, holidays, places, friends, and probably many other things that do not come to mind right now. All of those things have, at certain moments, satisfied me. Which is more than the Rolling Stones got. But this kind of satisfaction doesn’t seem to satisfy me to the degree it used to. Satisfaction has a short lifecycle and continually demands something else to be satisfied with, or about. Satisfaction and consumption go hand in hand: we look for joy in something outside of ourselves. But after a while we begin to understand that enduring joy can never be found in something other than in ourselves.
This understanding, which more and more of us are feeling these days (and which is in all of us), stimulates an inward journey: self- inquiry kicks in and the question comes up: ‘What truly matters to me.’
tagged: NewYork SoHo Olive matter consciousness spirituality consuming knowing
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![]() Photo: Annemarieke van Drimmelen
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I’m drinking a cup of tea in a bar in MacDougal Street in the heart of the Village, New York. I’m sitting at an outside table, it’s late and it’s still warm.
The bar doesn’t have opening hours, as it points out at the top of the menu: Always Open. At the table next to me are four men. In an obviously English accent, they order an expensive wine – but want to try it first. The wine isn’t served by the glass, which means opening a bottle. Yes, you guessed it, after trying it they conclude that it isn’t up to the mark, and send it back. I wonder to myself if they really tasted it.
The waiters and waitresses have beautifully cut blue overalls. And on the street you see all kinds of people. Like the man in yellow shirt and shorts who stops and asks me if I could ask the waitress for some cream when she reappears, so he can put it in the coffee he just bought a bit further up the street.
After adding the cream, he hangs around. A number of passersby greet him – I assume he’s known around here. He asks if can smell the smell. I don’t know what the smell is. He points towards a woman dressed in black. “She has magic powers,” he explains, “and she doesn’t like me. She’s already tried to curse me a couple of times by trying to confuse me by releasing a disgusting smell. But I’ve beaten her,” he says, without any note of triumph in his voice. + more
tagged: NewYork magic knowing curse evil consciousness
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![]() Photo: Annemarieke van Drimmelen
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